Foster parenting is a journey filled with challenges, emotional highs and lows, and the profound impact of making a difference in a child’s life. We sat down with Elizabeth (Beth) Dock-Henschen, an experienced foster parent to discuss the intricacies of foster care, the inspiration behind their journey, and the realities of fostering children with various needs.
Here is what she had to say:
Tell us a bit about your background and what inspired you to become a foster parent.
I grew up in a small town and spent most of my career in sales. I was at Ross from 2015 to 2017 and then transitioned into marketing. I sold advertising at Comcast for a while and later worked from home selling software as a service (SaaS). The SaaS product was designed to assess whether candidates were more left-brain or right-brain oriented, helping companies hire the best sales candidates based on specific characteristics. However, when COVID hit, hiring slowed down, and I couldn’t continue in that role. Now, I reside in Fort Wayne, Indiana and I’m back at Ross, which feels like a full-circle moment.
As for where my inspiration to become a foster came from, my best friend in high school was placed in the foster system when she was around 15. Seeing her journey inspired me to become a helper later in life. I wanted to provide the support and stability that foster kids often need. My desire to foster children definitely developed over time. My first marriage involved taking in special needs foster kids. The first few cases were a bit challenging, but a good learning experience. After my divorce, my current wife and I decided to foster together. Right now, we have two sisters; the older one just moved out actually to live independently, and we still have her younger sister.
Can you explain how the foster care system works?
Foster care is a system within a community designed to care for children who have been removed from their homes due to situations where their parents are deemed unfit to care for them. This may occur because of abuse, neglect, or other circumstances that endanger the child’s well-being.
When a child is removed from their home, they are placed with a foster or resource family. To become a foster parent, individuals must go through a comprehensive process, including completing numerous hours of training and becoming certified in CPR and First Aid. Additionally, prospective foster parents must undergo a thorough home inspection to ensure the environment is safe and suitable for a child. This includes checking the home’s general safety, ensuring there is adequate food, and meeting other basic requirements.
Once a family is licensed as a foster home, they may receive calls at any time, day or night, about children in need of placement. The situation often arises unexpectedly as children can be removed from their homes at any time. When contacted about a placement, foster parents are provided with information about the child’s circumstances, including the reasons for removal, the child’s behavior level, and whether the placement is likely to be short-term or could potentially lead to adoption. Based on this information, foster parents have the option to accept or decline the placement.
Foster parents can also specify preferences regarding the characteristics of children they are willing to foster. This includes the age group, gender, and other specific needs or characteristics. For example, some homes may prefer not to take in teenagers, while others might be equipped to handle children with special needs. Foster parents fill out a form outlining these preferences, and the agency will try to match children accordingly. This process helps ensure that the child is placed in an environment that best suits their needs and the capabilities of the foster family.
The length of a child’s stay in foster care can vary based on several factors. There are typically three types of placements:
1. Short-Term Placements:
These are determined by a judge who sets a timeframe for parents to address specific issues, such as completing rehabilitation, taking required classes, or resolving a situation like bed bugs in the home. The child remains in foster care until the parents fulfill these conditions.
2. Indeterminate Placements:
These occur when the duration of the child’s stay is uncertain. It depends on the time it takes for the parents to complete the necessary steps to regain custody. The situation remains fluid, and the child may stay in foster care until the parents are deemed ready.
3. Permanent Placements:
In some cases, the child may need a permanent solution, such as adoption, if the parents’ rights have been terminated. This happens when the parents are deemed incapable of providing a safe and stable environment for the child, and no longer have legal rights to their child.
The foster care system aims to provide a temporary, safe, and nurturing environment for children during a difficult time, offering stability and care until a more permanent solution can be found, whether that is reunification with their biological family or adoption.
Do you have a memorable experience you can share?
Every child leaves a lasting impact on you. One particularly memorable case involved a girl who came to us with failing grades and a bleak outlook on life. With our support, she became a straight-A student and developed a positive outlook on her future. It’s moments like these that make fostering so rewarding.
What are some of the biggest challenges foster parents face?
There are definitely challenges. It’s great that you bring this up because new foster parents may not fully understand what to expect. One major challenge is not fully grasping the range of behaviors children may exhibit, especially after visits with their biological parents. These visits can lead to a regression in the child’s behavior, as they struggle with complex emotions and situations. It’s crucial to remember that the child’s behavior is not a reflection of their character, but rather a response to the difficult circumstances they’re navigating.
My advice would be to separate the behavior from the person and understand that the child is going through a challenging time. Effective communication is key, but it’s not a one-size-fits-all approach. It’s important to avoid power struggles and to find ways to support children, particularly those who may have grown up in poverty or with limited life experiences. These kids might only know how to survive on a basic level, so patience and understanding are essential.
Once you learn to navigate these challenges, the relationships you build can be incredibly rewarding. You’ll feel a deep sense of fulfillment and love, knowing you’ve made a positive impact on a child’s life. So, definitely, keep your head up and stay committed.
Also, it’s easy to romanticize the idea of being a foster parent, thinking you’ll come in as a hero to save the day. While it’s wonderful to have an open heart, it’s important to remember that it’s not always like that from the child’s perspective. Some children are tougher to connect with, and it might take time to build trust. The key is not to give up, as the effort is worth it, and the child is worth it.
Do you plan on continuing to foster children in the future?
Yes, we plan on continuing fostering. It’s important to set healthy boundaries and give yourself some time to decompress before taking on another placement, especially when you become very attached to a child. But we definitely plan on continuing fostering. I’m hoping to start again in October, perhaps welcoming a child just in time to enjoy Halloween together. Letting go is the hardest part, though. It’s like going cold turkey because you have to say goodbye when they return to their biological parents. But it’s important to remember that the time you spent with them made a difference. They feel that love and care, and it can positively impact them moving forward.
Do you believe there is a greater need for foster parents within the system?
Definitely. There’s a huge need for foster parents in every community. Sometimes, when children are removed from their homes, there aren’t enough resource families available, and they end up staying overnight at DCS or even in a hotel with a caseworker. There’s also not enough promotion of the need for foster parents. The only advertisements I’ve seen are a few yard signs saying they’re looking for foster parents and a phone number to call. There needs to be more awareness and encouragement for people to consider fostering.
Can you describe your experience with your first foster child?
My very first experience with a foster child was quite memorable. It was a 15-year-old with special needs who was nonverbal but knew how to use the TV. It was a valuable learning experience. For instance, one night I let him stay up late, and he accidentally rented $500 worth of movies on Comcast. Fortunately, when I called Comcast, they understood the situation and didn’t charge us for the rentals since he had only briefly clicked through them. It was a tough lesson, but I learned a lot from that experience. It was an unexpected situation, but sometimes you have to be able to laugh about these things. It’s not what you’d expect from your first two-week placement, but it was a learning opportunity.
The most rewarding part is definitely the sense of purpose it brings. It fills your heart and mind in a way that’s deeply fulfilling. Even when it gets hard and you face challenges, keeping your heart open and welcoming strangers changes your outlook on life. It’s a reminder that everyone struggles in some way, and the ability to love someone unconditionally and make a positive impact in their life is incredibly gratifying.
What strategies do you use to make foster children feel secure and stable?
To help children feel secure and stable, we use several key strategies. First, we make sure to display pictures of their family in our home. When a child comes to us, we ask for their favorite family photos and have them printed at a local store like Walgreens. This helps the child maintain a visual connection with their loved ones and provides a sense of familiarity in a new environment.
Second, we place a strong emphasis on mental health. We ensure that therapy is a regular part of the child’s routine by utilizing resources such as the Bowen Center. It’s important to have a solid structure in place for therapy and medical care, making mental health a top priority. Sometimes, finding the right therapist involves some trial and error. We have had to change therapists a few times to find the right fit because it’s essential that the therapist and the child connect well. If a therapist isn’t connecting, it’s important to be proactive in finding someone who will meet the child’s needs.
Additionally, if the child has siblings, we advocate for maintaining those important family connections. We arrange for supervised visits with a therapist present to ensure the interactions are appropriate and supportive. These visits, known as supervised therapeutic visits, help the siblings stay connected and provide a sense of continuity. Coordinating these visits often involves working with caseworkers and guardians to make sure the siblings have regular, meaningful contact. Overall, these strategies help create a stable and supportive environment for the child, making their transition easier and more comforting.
What kind of assistance does the state provide to foster parents?
The support from the state is improving, but they do provide various resources. They inform you about resources like backpack days before school starts, where you can get a free backpack with school supplies. They also provide a per diem, though it’s not meant to be a primary source of income—it’s more for covering groceries and occasional activities. Additionally, the state ensures that the child has access to medical and dental care, which covers their overall health needs.
When it comes to making medical decisions, as a foster parent, you are responsible for coordinating and managing these health services. It also varies depending on the situation. Generally, you do need to obtain permission for various decisions, such as taking the child to the doctor or getting a haircut. For example, in our case, since the child’s biological father was still involved, we needed his permission for certain decisions like haircuts and doctor visits. For urgent situations, like an emergency flu visit, we would handle it directly without waiting for external approval.
What advice would you give to someone considering becoming a foster parent?
Be prepared for challenges and understand that the behaviors you see are not the child but a result of their circumstances. It’s important to have empathy, patience, and a strong support system. The rewards of seeing a child thrive honestly makes it all worthwhile.
Becoming a foster parent is an endeavor that demands dedication, empathy, and unwavering commitment. While it presents numerous challenges, the rewards are immeasurable, as seen through Beth’s experiences. The impact foster parents have on children’s lives is transformative, providing them with the stability and love they desperately need. By choosing this path, you can foster hope and significantly alter a child’s future for the better.